The modern man has lost his place in today’s World. Maybe its because of the rise of feminism, absent fathers, or the media’s ‘sales pitch’ of what a man should be. But what ever it is, men are feeling displaced. Where the man was once the ‘head of the house’ with a clearly defined role and responsibilities, it is no longer the case. Society portrays the modern man as lazy, insensitive, incompetent, clueless and immature and has characterized them as the man-boy, the dumb dad, or the clueless husband. The power dynamic it seems has swung the other way and the men who fight against these characterizations are feeling emasculated. There appears to be a struggle between being an evolved man and losing ones masculinity.

To give you an idea of what I mean, I have the privilege of knowing a lot of modern men – ones who respect their partners, are active parents, play sports, make a good living, balance the finances, cook, clean, vacuum, take out the garbage, mow the lawn, hem their own pants and build the deck. These are well rounded men who take on huge responsibilities in their relationships. At times, like in any relationship, they get pissed off with their partners and because men don’t normally express their emotions, they bottle it up. Some of the things they want to express conflict with what is considered ‘manly’ and there is a fear of embarrassment and shame. So they keep it all inside and maintain the silence. Here are some of the things the men want to express to their partners.

- I wish my “wife” would do more of the household chores.
- I wish my wife can offer me some ‘support’. I feel I have to be strong all the time.
- If I don’t ask for sex, I won’t have sex. Sometimes I just wish she would initiate. I feel like such a beggar when I keep asking.
- When we do have sex, it seems she is just going through the motions.
- I feel pressure and stress managing the household, our children and keeping the relationship alive.
- I wish my wife would spend more time with our children, with us as a family.
- I wish my wife can be more present.

These are pretty tough things for a guy to talk about and admit to. No matter how evolved and open he is, it is seemingly still against the ‘male’ grain (culturally and perhaps genetically). This internal conflict between doing the right things and maintaining a masculine presence causes great stress. So, what can we do about it? How can we be an evolved man and not feel less of a man?

There is a movement happening these days, called the ‘menaissance’ – the reemergence of a retrosexual and basically, the death to the metrosexual. A retrosexual is a manly man like that of a stereotypical man from the 1950′s and earlier, minus the sexism, homophobia, politically incorrect thinking etc. I have to say I hate these names and definitions. To me, these definitions create another stereotypical role for man. This ‘movement’ seems more like a revolution as opposed to an evolution. Yesterday was the metrosexual, today, the retrosexual, what is the flavour of tomorrow?

Although I support the empowerment ideology of a retrosexual, I think we are better than that. I believe man (and woman) should strive to become a well rounded individual – to transcend beyond any male/female stereotypes.

Although there are changes happening in the male World, there are also things changing in the female World. There are women who question whether the word ‘feminist’ is the correct description of who they are. In fact, feminism as a movement has evolved and has taken on different ideologies. There are women who now take on the view, ‘why not cook and clean and bring my husband his slippers? If it makes my partner happy, that makes me happy.’ or ‘I chose to work as a stripper because I can make a shitload of money so I can enjoy life.’ I believe the goal of male/female roles is to reach the ‘thinking’ where we see ourselves as individuals with male or female qualities; rather than defining ourselves based on culturally defined roles. I believe its the evolution to this ‘individuality’ that will empower man and woman, and perhaps eliminate the Mars and Venus dynamic and put everyone back on Earth.

So, what can men do to empower ourselves and not feel emasculated – to Take Back the Remote Control?

1. Define your own relationship roles and take the ‘gender’ out of the equation. A relationship is a partnership and its success is based on how well the partners work together. I believe if you look at the collective responsibilities of your relationship and pragmatically divide up the tasks, it will eliminate the gender role thinking; such as: this is a man or woman’s job. With a collective ‘vision’, it will hopefully focus you to a point where nothing else matters.

2. Join the brotherhood of men. There was a time when there were clubs men could join – Masons, The YMCA etc. These clubs, conspiracy theories aside, provided a source of good male energy. Men need to bond with other men. There aren’t a lot of places left where a man can belong to. Barber shops have been replaced by salons, the YMCA is now coed and a gentleman’s club is a strip club. Find some like minded men and chill. Perhaps, start your own club.

3. Find your own space. As I mentioned in The Ultimate Man Den – A Fortress of Solitude for the Average Man, every man needs a physical space of their own to rejuvenate, relax and decompress. More than that, I believe men need to find alone time regularly to rediscover himself. ChessFanMan mentioned Sam Keen’s book, Fire in the Belly (one that is on my reading list), where Keen escapes to his cabin to address the ‘wild man within’ in solitude, which enables him to return to his family refreshed; ready to serve the ones he loves. I take sojourns from time to time and I totally get what he is talking about. When I am alone and away from distractions (usually in the wild), I am left to my own devices. This primal being feeds my masculine energy and puts life in perspective.

4. Manage your sexual expectations. The mennaisance movement suggests men reject sexual blackmail from women. It suggests women use sex to control the relationship and men should therefore, control his sex drive to assert independence so not to cave into a woman’s demands. I am not a psychologist but even I think there are potential problems with this. I’ll admit it. Guys do think with their little head and do compromise themselves if they think they will get laid. I think there has to be a better way then power tripping each other until one explodes from sexual tension. If you are in a loving relationship, then there should be a dialogue on how often you both want to have sex, keeping in mind the realities of your life. If you have kids, you will not have sex three times a day five times a week. I think once you know what to expect, you won’t deceive yourself into thinking you are less of a man because you don’t get laid every time you have the urge.

I don’t profess to having all the answers and embracing my own masculinity is a continuous work in progress. Hopefully these suggestions will help you find your place in our complex male/female World so you don’t feel less of a man, without having to burn your boxer shorts in protest.

masculinity · mennaisance · retrosexual · take control

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